Fessing up

I'll admit I eat like an American.  I've had too much fast food, red meat, soda, and processed food-like product.  I am quite disturbed by the American "white is better" theory.  White flour, white sugar, white rice.  Food racism.  What a curse!

Let's not forget that our public schools implemented these bleached out products just as often as our poor families; at a private school I attended we were given Subway, McDonald's, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut every week.  They bought the hype.  Convenience won over health. 

I was a fairly healthy person through my first pregnancies.  In between pregnancies I would progressively get back into my soda addiction.  My worst soda habit is Red Bull.  They are my equivalent to cigarettes (thank goodness I don't smoke).  I usually plateau at a gallon of red bull a day.  Not water.  No water.  Sugar, caffeine and majorly too much B-complex. 

My last pregnancy I was diagnosed with a heart murmur and mitral valve prolapse.  I got to wear a heart monitor all day and night (except in the shower) for a month of that pregnancy.  I have no way to prove it was the red bull.  I have no reason to believe it was anything else.  That pregnancy ended almost three weeks early when I showed up at the hospital vomiting uncontrollably.  I was in labor and my liver was failing.  I had an emergency C-section.  We all came out alive.  If I hadn't gone the hospital that morning, I wouldn't be typing the same (or any) story. 

After I finished breastfeeding, I hopped back on the red bull train.  My youngest will be 17 months soon.  Most days I drink 48-64 ounces of that vial concoction.  I'm not sure why I drink something that makes me hot and angry.  I'm not sure why I drink something that depletes my appetite and causes major diarrhea.  I honestly think it is a subconscious desire to have something.  Something I thought I could control.  

I'll never have a perfect heart again.  I've done irreversible damage.  My liver is always going to be slightly wonky due to a genetic condition I carry; also my lungs are less durable from that condition.  I still expect to live a long enough life to meet my grandchildren.  I want to be at my great-grandkids births.  I want to have enough time on this planet to spread positive energy to others.  I must change my lifestyle. 

Perspective

In my personal life, 2013 has been the year of fresh perspective.  I have ridden a roller coaster of love and hate this year.  I've come very close to giving up on my family.  I've come very close to giving up existence.  However, I also opened my mind up to new experiences and goals.  I opened my heart to allow a deeper love to penetrate. 
Some days I feel especially aware of the suffering and the hidden pain in my community.  Some days I feel I'm wearing "truth-glasses" and can see people for what they really are.  Some days I challenge the concept of "time."  Yet some days I challenge the entire concept of "existence." 
I feel very in touch with nature, though.  Nature feels "real."  I understand animals, plants, weather on a MUCH higher level than all the man-made distractions.  I feel I am a part of nature.  I am NOT a part of technology.  Perhaps I'm taking my "first world problems" for granted. 
Reflecting on this year has made me realize one thing.  I have the power to change things, but I must start with "me."  I can change my physicality, my spirituality, my mind.  I must improve my mental and physical health.  I must also keep in mind what my greater goals are. 
My biggest goals involve meaningful connections.  That's what keeps people going...connections.  Energy is shared through connections.  Emanating positive energy...now THAT is a goal.

Dedication

I dedicate this blog to curiosity and deep thought.  Hopefully I will stay dedicated for more than a few posts.  I tend to drift from blogs...I am inconsistent by nature.  For now, though, I have a place for my thoughts to call home.  I hope you enjoy the distraction from your own tangibility.